In Hong Kong you would.....

Gangster1- Triad, originally uploaded by Lloyd W.

Who does not remember Mel Gibson and Danny Glover in Lethal Weapon? The chaos cop and the orderly cop have been an entertaining combo in the late nineties. But do you also remember the villains? The villain I remember the most from this franchise was Jet Li with his dagger looks. I especially recall the scene where he has a quiet but intense disagreement with his triad boss uncle Benny. He then stares down at him and calmly says in Chinese: “In Hong Kong you would be dead!”

My reaction was: “Oooooh! Mufasa!” But then I wondered: Why so? During that time I didn’t live in Hong Kong nor had I ever been there before. Now that I actually live in Hongkers I still do not know the answer to that question.

Hong Kong has one of the lowest crime rates in Asia. But Jet Li made it sound like there are armed triads lurking in every dark shadow, ready to jump at you and make you smoke cheap opium. The worst thing I’ve seen in a shadowy corner was stinky tofu which has been marinating there for maybe one or two decades. And the tattooed people who look like triad low-lives seem to be very focused PSP players, ambitioned DVD sellers and according to the government poor ketamine addicts who have neither a proper control over their bladder nor over their bowels. I therefore tried my own, more truthful awe inspiring versions of “In Hong Kong” phrases.

1. In Hong Kong the people are so good in Math; they only have calculators to make you feel good.
2. In Hong Kong there is no sleep only stand-by.
3. In Hong Kong your phone is always outdated. If not then you must be Japanese.
4. In Hong Kong you must have no mercy. Press the damn close button in elevators. Slow people have the time to take the stairs.
5. In Hong Kong you must learn how to dodge flying nail clippings while riding the bus.
6. In Hong Kong even the maids have Luis Vitong bags
7. In Hong Kong girls can survive on a teaspoon of mango pudding and a monthly 50 free SMS subscription for a whoooole day. 
8. In Hong Kong looking natural means you have no money for makeup.
9. In Hong Kong 15°C indoors is way too hot. Sweat can only be fought efficiently when it already freezes inside your skin.
10. In Hong Kong you would be deaf!

Guess Who's Moving In?

big comfy couch, originally uploaded by jwlphotography.

There are some people who own slices of burned toast resembling Elvis. There are also some people who have acquired a five pound white truffle. And there is moi who has de facto managed to entertain a good relationship with her ex. It’s a masterpiece actually. He’s still part of the family and my little sister still thinks she has a right to demand chocolate gifts from him for her good will.

It’s amazing how we stayed in each other’s lives even after the relationship ended. My parents still give him the too huge portions of rice whenever he drops by and we talk about trends, movies and bitch about celebrities who deserve to be banished to another hell dimension in steel pants. Come to think of it, he’s the elder fab lesbian geek sister I never had.. except that he’s male, a Chin-Viet, bristly (hair, face and personality) and would look totally un-kawaii in ringed knee socks.

So it should come as no surprise that when my parents decided to move to the Philippines (that's another story) they made the suggestion for him to move in with my sister so she won't be alone and could save money. Better it's somebody from the family, they reckoned.

Problem was to explain this to his brand new girl-friend who is Chinese, non-geek, straight (hair, style and sexual orientation) and who would look cute in ringed knee socks. Now the problem with the new girl-friend is well.. she's new and does not know our jolly troupe yet and therefore probably will, like many others, have the tendency to think in clichéd patterns. As following words will prove.

"What? But she's the sister of your ex?" (*Note: We split up almost 6 years ago, I'm a married woman who uses cheat codes in every game and he likes Tony Braxton and bought braces/ suspenders because he thinks they're trendy. See what I am saying?)

"Yup," he admitted "she is the sister of my ex. But see it this way: You will benefit from this as well. I live closer to your place and sleep-overs would be much easier.... etc." She relented and my sister later complimented him on his negotiating skills. "No." he said dismissively "I did not negotiate. I only clarified my position. I do not negotiate with Chinese." *insert bristly gruffy looking face here*

Anyhow my sis is happy. Not only won't she be alone and safe money, but as she has so delicately put it: "I will also have access to a 50 inch flat screen, a PS3 and an Xbox.Whoopiii!"

Some matches are made in heaven.

Hong Kong? Rude?

Hong Kong, originally uploaded by bartpogoda.

After you have lived in Hong Kong for a while you will ask yourself the inevitable question: Are Hong Kong people rude? Or to be more precise: Are Hong Kong people less courteous?

My simple definition of courtesy is doing small nice things for people no matter if they are strangers. That includes standard gestures such as opening the door for people, offering elderly people your seat in the MTR or telling the woman in front of you on the escalator that she forgot to remove the price tag from her Uniqlo shirt.  

I am pretty sure that Hong Kong people have a similar idea of courtesy. If you have ever been out with your Hongki friends for some Dim Sum you notice the pouring of the tea into each other’s cups and the putting of the hargow into each other’s bowls. They do it because it’s nice and probably because you suck at grabbing squidgy chicken feet with your chopsticks, endangering the light fabric wearers at your table

But we all heard the stories and experienced them ourselves: 

• People pressing the close button of the elevator while you are rushing toward it and they’re starring you right in the eye. 
• You already have hardened stomach lining due to the many elbows which have made friendly contact with your abdomen in the MTR.
• The woman in bus with the 130 decibel Giordano voice who dictates her last meal into her mobile phone while clipping her nails. 
• Funky sounding burps from tanned construction workers who do not know how to wear shirts properly. (Poor things think they have to roll up the hem up and tuck it under the fold of their man tits… if available)

And as expat you just snort snidely, try to lower your blood pressure and think: “How rude!”. 

Or….

Or maybe Hong Kong’s just jaded. I mean, there’s nothing such as a 30 hour working week, a sack of rice has gotten more expensive than a well made Gucci fake. Additionally Hong Kong’s population density is equal to an E. coli colony in a Shenzhen toilet. We are getting more by the minute. One method to not go gaga is to keep to yourself and pretend you’re the only organism in this big loo. We are all a bit overworked, no energy to smile at each other. And if somebody in Hong Kong smiles at us we only react sympathetic to following demographic groups:

• toddler : “It's dressed in a panda/pig/tigger costume. Aww.”
• ancient: “Uhm, I haven't finished my newspaper yet, but sure you can have it, you cute little troll with long earlobes.”

Strangely these are the ones that who’s gender’s you really cannot tell apart, who cannot eat solid food and are of no threat because they can’t take your rice away. Those are the ones you give your seat in the MTR. 

All the smilers from the other demographics have hidden issues, lurking behind the corner of their smiles just to prey on us. They’re potential money earners = competition  = evil rice eaters. Better press the close button. Quickly!

Review on Froggy Diver PADI Theory Class or How I Proved that My Attention Span Can Be Stretched

Froggy Diver Course 2, originally uploaded by dicesix.

As promised in my earlier post here's a review about Froggy Diver. Just made it through theory so far. We'll be diving in two weeks and I'll write a review about that as well. 

The Froggy Diver Center is located in a small building in Tsim Sha Tsui. It consists of a small office, small shop, small kitchen, small balcony, very small classroom and smells of dog. Well two larger dogs actually (a German shepherd mix and something that looks like chubby Golden Retriever). The dogs are actually the only thing of bigger size in the venue. You might encounter them in the hall in the shop, even during class. They’ll wink at you or lift their chin approvingly, curl up in a corner and fall asleep. They’re pretty well behaved, chilled out and don’t jump up on you.

Everything at Froggy is so laid back that orderliness has not much to say in these 4 walls. My Monk husband was probably silently freaking out by all the clutter and the ancient carpet that consisted of 80% dog hair. But since I was a creature of chaos myself I considered this all quite likable. It reminded me of these cluttered apartments shared by surfers. Marketing- and aesthetic-wise the whole facility was a disaster. Nevertheless you immediately got the feeling that “it” did not care since it only cared for diving.

Elizabeth owner of the shop and instructor was just like her dogs: Nice, calm, a bit bleary and uncomplicated. She tried to accommodate all our schedule wishes and gave us a 40% discount on the diving gear since we were now students at her diving shop. She also offered us a ride for the dives which will be in Sai Kung.

We wanted to save time and decided to do the theory part in one sitting and do the exam on the same day. My friend H. for instance did theory and the confined water dives together on two Saturdays. Well, to be able to finish theory in one day we had to read the PADI learning manual at home. With the review/ homework you will probably need ca. 3 hours/ chapter, 5 chapters total. It’s not difficult to learn all the stuff since a lot of it is common sense. The quick questions through out the chapters already indicate what will be important for the exam. If you want to save time then focus on those quick questions and you’ll probably pass the exam just so. The exam consists of 50 multiple choice questions and you’ll need 75% to pass.

Now theory: People who followed my Twitter that day will know that I and my butt suffered. Elizabeth estimated that it would take 10 a.m. to 6 p.m. to finish theory and the exam. The class room part is basically structured like the book. We’ll get to watch PADI documentaries which cover the same topic/ chapters in the book. After having watched a chapter Elizabeth would review everything important in a power point presentation. Then we’d have to take a quiz with 10 multiple choice questions. As you can see most of the stuff is pretty repetitive. But because of that important stuff will stick to your brain like a thirsty leech.

Well, we were out by 8 p.m. It was partly to the fact that some of the class mates still needed to do their chapter reviews although they had to be done at home or some needed longer for the quizzes. After the exam we had to buy diving masks because it was the only equipment Froggy will not rent to us since it was to fit well and snugly.

Fazit: The hardest thing during such a power session is not amount of knowledge you’ll encounter but to stay awake yet this is probably related to any diving theory class. If you decide to take the course at Froggy’s I really advice you to read the book in advance. Elizabeth seems to be competent but although she does not look like it, she’s more of a diver than a teacher. She’ll gladly explain you things if you have any questions, but because English is not her mother tongue there might be a risk misunderstanding each other. I also found that as the teaching day progressed her explanations became more hectic. 

Nevertheless it was still ok and everybody in our class (Total: 5 people) passed the exam.